WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
You Might Also Like
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.