Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
You Might Also Like
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*