Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
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6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
me refusing to leave twitter
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family