Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
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My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no