I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
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27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!