“I’m going out”
• might be illegal now?
“I’m going outside for my state approved singular daily walk”
• Kinda Soviet
• Good for public health
WIFE: Here, be careful. Lift with your knees
ME: My knees don’t have hands, how am I supposed to do that
WIFE: I don’t understand how you have a doctorate
You Might Also Like
Hubby: This dinner is not gonna make itself!!!!!
And that ladies and Gentleman is how I starred on “COPS”
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
If you think I’m sexy now wait till you see me eat a cheeseburger with no hands.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
How many nuns could a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.