WIFE: Here, be careful. Lift with your knees

ME: My knees don’t have hands, how am I supposed to do that



WIFE: I don’t understand how you have a doctorate

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“I’m going out”
• boring
• obvious
• might be illegal now?

“I’m going outside for my state approved singular daily walk”
• Mysterious
• Kinda Soviet
• Good for public health


Hubby: This dinner is not gonna make itself!!!!!

And that ladies and Gentleman is how I starred on “COPS”


interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time


If you think I’m sexy now wait till you see me eat a cheeseburger with no hands.


“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”


“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”


The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in


The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?


How many nuns could a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?


Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.