Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

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A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.


*flips table*



Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM


The only thing more boring than Lance Armstrong’s interview is the Tour de France.


I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.


My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.


“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming


M: I rear-ended some girl today

W: Oh how much damage to her car

M: Car?


[watching sunset]

me: wow its pretty

gf: funny how the slow death of something that once burned so passionately can be beautiful

me: haha what lol

gf: we need to talk