Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
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I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
…..pretty much.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.