@EndhooS

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

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@iGreenGod

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

@VampireIguana

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

@TheFearBoners

The only thing more boring than Lance Armstrong’s interview is the Tour de France.

@KentWGraham

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

@suzieQ0007

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

@frankzulla

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

@Multitudes8

M: I rear-ended some girl today

W: Oh how much damage to her car

M: Car?

@leakypod

[watching sunset]

me: wow its pretty

gf: funny how the slow death of something that once burned so passionately can be beautiful

me: haha what lol

gf: we need to talk