when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
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You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
The Moon: [swipes left]
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*slides it in*
– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.