wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
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Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
yall want some gasoline milk
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Thursday Thought.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down