Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
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Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here