Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
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Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
🤭😂
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir