Preferred way to connect with me (ranked most to least):
2. Twitter DM
5. Climb through my window
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
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Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Me: Haha. Sure…
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
You people and your Duck Tales. I was raised on real cartoons about nosy hippies in a sketchy van who were so high they thought their dog could talk.
England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
wife:The other tag
me:Made in Vietnam
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, “The name’s Bond, Hydrogen Bond.” Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.