@upsidedowntrash

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

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@BlackJerms

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

@mom_tho

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

@TechnicallyRon

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

@krisv_723

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

@vapidaccount

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

@KenJennings

DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
“Can we put Nutella on our salmon and call it salmonella?”
This has been DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON

@OMGShenanigans

Today’s interpretive dance was brought to you by “Spider On My Shirt”.

Up next we have “Oh jeeze, where did it go?!”

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing