I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
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intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
“Can we put Nutella on our salmon and call it salmonella?”
This has been DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
Today’s interpretive dance was brought to you by “Spider On My Shirt”.
Up next we have “Oh jeeze, where did it go?!”
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing