Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
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You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Feels like the fourth month in January
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
☺️
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.