*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
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me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I don’t think peeing on a goose is the right answer..
But on the other hand..
I’m not sure it’s the WRONG answer.
-Drunk me at a zoo
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
An idea only achieves transcendence after it is:
1. Published as book
2. Made into a feature film
3. Turned into an amusement park ride
My doctor said I shouldn’t hug people, admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu but I still use that one.