@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

You Might Also Like

@Rollinintheseat

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

@DanMentos

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

@danjan13

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

@KateWhineHall

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

@DirtMcTurd

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

@blahdevivre

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

@PleaseBeGneiss

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

@ellorysmith

I just want to find a beautiful house where a terrible crime has happened and so is being sold for well below market value

@thenatewolf

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it’s a record for amount of stabs

@rainerfm

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.