I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
You Might Also Like
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I just want to find a beautiful house where a terrible crime has happened and so is being sold for well below market value
*mugger pulls a knife*
Mugger: gimme your money
Me: well this night took a SHARP turn
Doctor: it’s a record for amount of stabs
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.