Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

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*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here


me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw


*pours gasoline*
*strikes match*


Laundry’s done.


She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.


Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber


I don’t think peeing on a goose is the right answer..

But on the other hand..

I’m not sure it’s the WRONG answer.

-Drunk me at a zoo


Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”


An idea only achieves transcendence after it is:

1. Published as book
2. Made into a feature film
3. Turned into an amusement park ride


My doctor said I shouldn’t hug people, admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu but I still use that one.