Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
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Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times