I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
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What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some Lube.
“We never talk anymore.”
“I know. It’s amazing!”
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
And then Satan said, “Put the alphabet in math…”
“Does this hurt?”
“What about this?”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Cereal box mascots give kids a dangerously positive view of animals who in the wild would literally kill them before they gave them cereal.