@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

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@NickadooLA

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

@tigergreengrove

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some Lube.

@causticbob

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

@robdelaney

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

@whatsupboosh

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: hereโ€™s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

@BitterKrust

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

@codyspencer0

Cereal box mascots give kids a dangerously positive view of animals who in the wild would literally kill them before they gave them cereal.