@T_N_Crumpets

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

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@TheTweetOfGod

Never throw somebody under the bus unless you’re sure it’s moving.

@kiel_phillips

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

@iGreenMonk

How boring my life has become!

The only time I hear myself say, “I’m coming” is when I’m trying to tell my dog I’m getting his food ready!

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@XplodingUnicorn

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

@Barknado69

“I got your back”

“And I got your nose”

“Ooh I want his feet”

Mr. Potato Head: *sobbing* guys stop it

@TheToddWilliams

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

@ChrisScarlette

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

@FuckabillyRex

Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.

@CulturedRuffian

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.