Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
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For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.