Never throw somebody under the bus unless you’re sure it’s moving.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
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INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
How boring my life has become!
The only time I hear myself say, “I’m coming” is when I’m trying to tell my dog I’m getting his food ready!
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
“I got your back”
“And I got your nose”
“Ooh I want his feet”
Mr. Potato Head: *sobbing* guys stop it
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.