Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
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I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.