@rockymomax: WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
![WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same](/cache/96576.jpg)
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@xLiserx: Me: Can't. I'm exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning. Him: It's pronounced 'croissant' & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
@generaldietz: me:*pulls chair out for date* her: such a gentleman my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU'RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
@JustMeTurtle: My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
@GrabTheWEness: I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
@thepunningman: Fetty Wap's full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
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