I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
You Might Also Like
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.
Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
I usually spend so much time looking for the perfect excuse to cancel plans.. now we all have the same one
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”