@rockymomax

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

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@CorkyCrash

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

@radtoria

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

@HatfieldAnne

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

@JermHimselfish

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

@JohnMayer

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

@GrantTanaka

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

@SaltyCorpse

Body: I’m exhausted.

Brain: I’M AN EIGHT YEAR OLD ON CRACK!

@MooseAllain

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am