WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

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I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…


Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.


Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol


No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.


*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops


Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”


Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:


I usually spend so much time looking for the perfect excuse to cancel plans.. now we all have the same one


Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”