WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
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Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.