Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

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My kids remembered it was Tuesday, like some sort of wizards, so we’re eating tacos and school is cancelled for the rest of the week, because clearly they are doing better than most of us.


My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.


4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby


I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.


“Man, I did so much shit today”

*throws away diaper


There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil


I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.


My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.


When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.