Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
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That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
catch me on valentine’s day like
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Duolingo getting serious.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car