wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
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Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
plant them where lol
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby