I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
wife: [holding our newborn] isn’t he amazing
me: [setting up a squat rack in the hospital room] we’ll see
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Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I was informed last week that “cheat day” does not mean what I thought it did.
In related news: Baby, sit down. I have to tell you somethin
If a conspiracy theorist tries to suck you into one of their wacky stories, just counter it with an even crazier theory.
Them: the moon landing was fake!
You: dude u still believe the moon is real? *shake ur head & walk away*
1. Get tipsy.
2. Go into a tanning bed.
3. Pretend you’re a panini.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
The dream has died.