@donttouchjames

wife: [holding our newborn] isn’t he amazing

me: [setting up a squat rack in the hospital room] we’ll see

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@Scigglez

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

@nattylumpo88

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

@Quartzjixler

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

@RyanofAvalon

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

@firebrand3

I was informed last week that “cheat day” does not mean what I thought it did.

In related news: Baby, sit down. I have to tell you somethin

@deedles420

If a conspiracy theorist tries to suck you into one of their wacky stories, just counter it with an even crazier theory.

Them: the moon landing was fake!

You: dude u still believe the moon is real? *shake ur head & walk away*

@dance_blessed

1. Get tipsy.
2. Go into a tanning bed.
3. Pretend you’re a panini.

@AnnietheNanny1

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

@PaperWash

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.