@BeTheCookie

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

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@BackrowSeats

Burger King’s slogan “Have It Your Way” was shortened from “Are You Sure You Wanna Eat This? Ok. Have It Your Way”.

@causticbob

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

@lloydrang

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

@fro_vo

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

@Lisa_Laughs_

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

@Lisabug74

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

@SardonicTart

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

@Mardigroan

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

@ShaunRightNow

I’ll always remember the day my wife said “yes” to my proposal.

And I’ll never forget that it was the last thing we ever agreed on.