Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
You Might Also Like
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.