Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

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Burger King’s slogan “Have It Your Way” was shortened from “Are You Sure You Wanna Eat This? Ok. Have It Your Way”.


I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.


Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.


When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card


When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.


*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”


I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.


“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….


I’ll always remember the day my wife said “yes” to my proposal.

And I’ll never forget that it was the last thing we ever agreed on.