Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
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There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?