WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
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Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!