Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

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Hulk: way ahead of you bud


Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys


I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.


Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.


“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.


“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*


I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.


I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.