wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
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My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
Candles never taste the way they smell
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I feel it
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”