wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
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Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Before & after 😅
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
#DesignFail
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?