@murrman5

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

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@fillthevacuum

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

@serenehavoc

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

@dafloydsta

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

@POTerritory

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

@GrowlyGrego

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

@withanewname

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

@ItsAndyRyan

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

@TheTweetOfGod

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

@Lhlodder

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.