Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
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Good friends are hard to find. Especially if they stabbed me in the back. In fact you won’t find them officer. Stop looking
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework