@AndrewNadeau0

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

You Might Also Like

@Vice_Queen

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

@VerifiedJayy

Good friends are hard to find. Especially if they stabbed me in the back. In fact you won’t find them officer. Stop looking

@KentWGraham

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

@AbbeYaar

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

@Kids_kubed

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

@D2BMcG

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

@JediGigi

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

@3sunzzz

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

@lisaxy424

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

@MumInBits

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework