Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
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roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.