@Gooooats

Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails?

Me: it’s brownies.

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@Amburglar_

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

@treydayway

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

@HousewifeOfHell

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

@kwirkyKerri

You don’t need to threaten me into submission. Just hold some cheesecake under my nose.

@SCbchbum

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

@ieatanddrink

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

@OkieGirl405

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

@lizetagge

Before. b-e-f-o-r-e, not B4. We speak English, Not bingo…

@ArfMeasures

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes