Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails?

Me: it’s brownies.

You Might Also Like


When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”


It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis


My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.


You don’t need to threaten me into submission. Just hold some cheesecake under my nose.


Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.


Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in


Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people


Before. b-e-f-o-r-e, not B4. We speak English, Not bingo…


Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes