I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails?
Me: it’s brownies.
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When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
You don’t need to threaten me into submission. Just hold some cheesecake under my nose.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Before. b-e-f-o-r-e, not B4. We speak English, Not bingo…
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes