WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
You Might Also Like
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me: