wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
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“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
so this horse walks into a bar
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…