If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
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Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Alexa; make it look like an accident