What idiot called it a transplant and not re-organ-izing?
wife: how many beers is that for you?
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I love twitter
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
To the woman with the screaming kids in Walmart: If you’re wondering how the condoms got in your cart….You’re welcome
My son has a play-date today & the mom said to dress him in holiday colors so he’s in all black & I’m telling her we worship the dark lord.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else’s
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…