BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
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Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
s
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Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?