@david8hughes

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

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@Thereeveryday

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

@youknow_hoo

Just hired 2 private detectives to follow each other. I’ll keep you guys posted.

@HomeWithPeanut

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

@ShaunRightNow

Hooker says $500. I say $50. She walks away.
Later, I’m walking with my wife, same hooker sees me and says, I see what you got for $50.

@BuckyIsotope

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

@_coryrichardson

me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off

doctor: what

me: im not vibing with this baby man

doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious

my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk

@kelkulus

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

@hellolanemoore

2020 was supposed to be the year of flying cars, and instead it’s the year Americans learned they’re supposed to be washing their hands.

@verysadgamer

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

@mjkspeaks

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”