@david8hughes

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

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@barbhaynes

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

@sexncake

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

@ieatanddrink

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

@bingowings14

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

@callstotheheart

My daughter’s teacher told me my child is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.

@man_in_radiator

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

@alexjmann

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

@pleatedjeans

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No