OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
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I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
mom: wanna see me do a flip?
wow: too late
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
My daughter’s teacher told me my child is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No