One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
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Just hired 2 private detectives to follow each other. I’ll keep you guys posted.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Hooker says $500. I say $50. She walks away.
Later, I’m walking with my wife, same hooker sees me and says, I see what you got for $50.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off
me: im not vibing with this baby man
doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious
my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
2020 was supposed to be the year of flying cars, and instead it’s the year Americans learned they’re supposed to be washing their hands.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”