Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
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*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me