WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
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Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.