People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
WIFE: How was the first day of space command?
ME: *dejectedly taking off my space suit* I messed up and said “laser beans.”
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I bet black unicorns have the biggest horns.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute