Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
You Might Also Like
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.