I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
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“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Monica just destroyed the internet
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!