DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
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I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
#SaturdayBears
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.