@ColeNoorda

Wife: How’d therapy go?

Me: She said I need to share more details about my experiences with you.

Wife: And?

Me: That’s it.

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@heatherlou_

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

@AtmanThakrar

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

@hippieswordfish

[bus stop]
‘help! is there a doctor around?’
im a dr
‘this guy got shot’
how does that make you feel
‘what are u doing?’
im a psychiatrist

@Brampersandon_

[COPS]
*into radio* We’ve got a drunk man in the park who thinks he’s a lion tamer.

“SIR! PUT THE WHIP DOWN & STEP AWAY FROM THE CAROUSEL!”

@dumbbeezie

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

@byrdie_num_num

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

@Parkerlawyer

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

@junejuly12

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

@Nyx422

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*