Wife: How’d therapy go?

Me: She said I need to share more details about my experiences with you.

Wife: And?

Me: That’s it.

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I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.


I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?


[bus stop]
‘help! is there a doctor around?’
im a dr
‘this guy got shot’
how does that make you feel
‘what are u doing?’
im a psychiatrist


*into radio* We’ve got a drunk man in the park who thinks he’s a lion tamer.



Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax


I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.


Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”


Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.


First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*