Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
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*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Nice try Hitler
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day