Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
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GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
“State your name”
“Where are you from?”
“Your wife’s name”
“Your first zodiac murder”
Dance like you’re not the father