@jwomackou

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

You Might Also Like

@Izianikapani

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

@InternetHippo

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

@mommajessiec

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

@michaelshermer

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

@Home_Halfway

“State your name”
Ted Cruz
“Where are you from?”
Texas
“Your wife’s name”
Heidi
“Your first zodiac murder”
1968
“Thank you”
You’re welc-WAIT