Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
You Might Also Like
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.