WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
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I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
we all know this pain all too well
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water