WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
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(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”