I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
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*strips & lies on the couch*
Me: Draw me like the one of your French girls.
Cop sketch artist: For the last time, get out of my house.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.
Who hired those 10 Americans to go to Brazil and pretend like they like soccer?
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
So if something’s not “unique” then it’s just “ique,” right?