Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
You Might Also Like
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.