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Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him