WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
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[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.