Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
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I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad