Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
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If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.