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Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
excuse me
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides