I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
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My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.