My rap name is When i$ Lunch
wife: I am having an affair
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have the affair as well
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me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Me: *turns to date* darling
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Me: protest racial inequality with me
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…
*opens The Shining