wife: I am having an affair

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have the affair as well

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me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad


[first date]
HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra


Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time


My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.


[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me


* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?


ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes


judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here


Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining